Single Parent On The Go

Baseball, apple pie and American Idol.  I can’t wait for my bi-weekly slice of Americana — American Idol.  If you are one of the few uninitiated, you can view the previous performances of David Archuleta and David Cook, the two remaining contestants, by using their names as the search terms on http://www.youtube.com/.

Tonight is the final competition between the crooning 17 year old and the would-be bartender.  Both have gone from total obscurity to being flanked by masses of screaming, star-struck fans.  Where else but America (and American Idol) can you watch a televised evolution of the American dream unfurl so quickly before your very eyes? 

     Where did my youth go?  It must have scampered out the door when I wasn’t looking . . . perhaps in the middle of a confusing relationship or a disappointing date.  And, if it’s really gone, what am I supposed to do now — visit a plastic surgeon? Take up knitting and begin a cat collection? 

     If the forties are the new thirties (whatever that means), then what is 44.5 and why is it freaking me out?  It’s more than those little crinkling lines around my eyes which now refuse to be moisturized (or Retin-Aed) away. It’s more than the thinning hair (on my head . . . the hair on my face seems to be flourishing).  It’s more than the occassional errant gray hair on my brow or the fact that my cheeks are slowly descending to my jawline.  It’s just the point of it — I’m not ready to be old. 

     I write to you while exfoliating in preparation for step one of the rejuvenation process — self tanning.  Next, will be the bleaching of my teeth.  After that, I suppose I will buy a wig (what do you think the aged stars on T.V. are wearing . . . that’s not their real hair).  I’ll let you know how life is as an orange, ice-boxed smiling wanna be.  I imagine the look will be quite fetching . . . and so genuine! 

 
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This is just a quick post to highlight a local magazine that does a spectacular job at capturing the interesting personal stories emerging from our neighborhoods. It’s a great business idea if your neighborhood doesn’t already have this!  One of my favorite editions is “hottie coaches.”  Another are features that invove the woman who invented the Topsy Turvey and the woman who started adopt-a-soldier.  All of these articles can be foundin the archive of The Advocate. 

Even if you don’t live in these neighborhoods, the stories are fascinating!  Click here to return to the site.  Click here to visit The Advocate.

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 Chaya Bella at Excelling at the Art of Life wrote:

     With Halloween almost come and gone,  it’s time to start preparing for the next big holiday — Thanksgiving!  Here, in Texas, we all know about Greenberg’s Smoked Turkeys.  It is one of the top ten coveted gifts for November and December.  Once you’ve had one, you’ll be sending them out to your favorite friends. Treat yourself to a most delicious season kick-off — a Greenberg Turkey.  Order now to make sure you will have one in Novemeber.  I have no affiliation with the company and am not being sponsored for this plug.  I’m just a huge fan of these Turkeys! Last year, I was lucky enough to get a huge one as a gift (we can all spot the box a mile away) and it fed our family and our next-door neighbors for a week . . .  Click here to read more. 

   
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     How many times a day do we find ourselves enmeshed in a negotiation?  Where to eat and who will take out the trash are examples of routine negotiations. Daily debates could also come under that classification.  But what can you do when you find yourself involved in an unproductive exchange over something of import to you?  Here are a few tips to get you through:

1.  If you are in the midst of a heated exchange, disengage.  Use a statement like: “Let’s talk about this when we both seem calmer.”  You will have removed yourself from a bad situation BUT left the door open for further discussion.  Very few people are able to “hear” what is being said while in emotional disarray. It is pointless to negotiate with someone while they are in that state.  If you are the person who is upset and cannot distance yourself from your emotions, better to revisit the topic when you regain your clarity.

2.  Listen to the other person’s proposal.  While they are speaking, don’t use the time to formulate your response or disprove their theories.  If the other person speaks for a prolonged period and covers several issues before you have a chance to respond, stop them, in a pleasant way, and let them know that, for you, it would be helpful to discuss one point at a time (i.e “Bob, I really want to understand what you are saying, but I’m getting too much information to process at once.  Do you think we could go issue by issue?  That way, I will have a chance to really understand your perspective.”)

3.  Reflect what you have heard back to the speaker using your own words.  For example, “Bob, I’m hearing you say X, is that right?”  If you get it wrong, try again. 

4.  Take your time in formulating your response.  Don’t let your mouth go faster than your brain.  If you can’t think of a response in that moment, you can always buy time.  For example, “Bob, I want to think about what you’ve said before I come back to you with an answer/response.”

5.  Never negotiate against yourself.     

6  What happens if you don’t like the offer/proposal being made?  View it as a starting point in the negotiation. . . even if ”Bob” says it’s his “final offer.” Come back with a positive spin like “Bob, I’m trying to come up with a win/win for both of us. I’m hearing you say that you want “X” and I’m saying I need “Y.”  Let’s figure out a way to bridge this gap.” Then brainstorm together.  Once you’ve made your opponent a co-owner of the solution, you will have the best chance at striking a durable deal that works for both of you. . . you may also pick up a new friend, too.

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If you have been to a dinner party or received a gift, chances are that you owe a note of thanks.  Chaya Bella, at http://alifeart.com/blog, has debuted her new site, Excelling At the Art of Life.  Her topic today?  Thank you notes and she has sample ones for you to copy! Click here to go to her site!  Enjoy!

     Over a decade ago, a younger neighbor told me she didn’t believe men and women could be “friends” — that a romantic component is always at play.  I vehemently disagreed with her position.  I had several male friends at that time.

     Now, I am actually beginning to think she is correct. As I review my list of male friends, they all seem to have originated from a dating or romantic context.  Moreover, they do all, periodically, throw flirts my way.  I suppose I used to view these usually benign inferences as quirks of male communications.  I’m in the process of changing my mind.

     My friendships with women never entail these “flirts.”  And, the older I become, my male friend “flirts” are starting to include forms of uninvited, familiar touching. Initially, I attributed the more invasive “flirts” to my being older and them thinking that somehow made me “desperate” for romantic attention . . . or maybe they were getting older and it was a way for them to validate their desirablility.  Overall, however, it has become annoying. 

     While I believe that a person can never have too many friends, I am re-evaluating whether I should include male friendships in my circle.  I have kept my male friends from college, but we live in different states, have been friends for over twenty years, and stay in contact via email.  There are no “flirts” involved in these relationships – we are life anchors for one another when we seem to fall off of our paths.  We have been friends while we were all single, while I was married, and since my divorce. My more recent male friendships, those formed after I became single, are a completely different story.

    At this stage of my life, I am very busy with work, raising my teenager (and being her chauffer), charitable organizations . . . and I ponder the wisdom of incorporating new male “friends” into my life.  With all close friendships, there is emotional intimacy involved. With my male friends, once they become seriously involved with a woman, that emotional intimacy wanes.  When they get married, I immediately jump out of their lives.  Personally, I believe that emotional intimacy then becomes the exclusive domain of their spouse.  Living by the “Golden Rule,” I wouldn’t want for my husband to make plans with a single woman.  I wouldn’t want for my husband to be sharing intimacies (of any form) with another woman . . . and especially not with an old girlfriend. 

     Last night, while out with a male “friend” (so confusing, it may have been a date . . . who knows), I was standing on an aisle at Blockbuster, staring at a row of movies.  My friend was across the store.  I noticed that someone had come beside me to look in the same aisle.  After a minute, I looked up and realized that it was an old boyfriend — one with whom I had shared a serious relationship. We were excited to see each other and it would have been so fun to catch up (we were very close for many years).  He commented about my dress (which was rather alluring) and I began to tell him about working with a personal trainer, but then caught myself.  His wife, who knew that we had previously dated, was on another aisle . . . wearing a more modest outfit. 

     So, there we were and I could only think of one appropriate word to say – “Goodbye,” I said with a smile.  I immediately wandered off to find my friend. He wandered off to find his new spouse.  And that was that.

     These days, when I date someone and it isn’t a match, the buzz words seem to be “we’ll be friends.”  I don’t think I want any more of these male “friends.”  I no longer see the point in establishing a friendly intimacy which is transient.  I don’t have the time or energy to spend cultivating that type of “friendship.”  I want to spend my time establishing more meaningful things.  Thoughts? –Single Parent On The Go  

 
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    Beyond buying or making costumes, Halloween can be one of the most fun-filled holidays for your family.  Never miss an opportunity to celebrate — some of our most enlightened moments occur when we are filled with joy and love.  Those moments spill over and infuse our lives with meaning. They ground us.  They invoke a fundamental, innate gratitude within us for the gift of life.  Halloween, a holiday so profoundly exciting to children, is a golden opportunity to create that vortex of joy and love for you and your family.  This article will include a number of fun activities — some would be perfect for a non-custodial parent to do with the children.  Sharing special activities is such a wonderful way to bond with our children.  Below, you will find a list of activities for children of all ages.  Enjoy!

1. Visit a pumpkin patch and let your children choose their ”perfect” pumpkins! For younger children, the mere site of a pumpkin patch can be enthralling.  Knowing that they will be able to choose any size or shaped pumpkin is tantamount to you having a shopping spree at The Sharper Image (or your favorite store).  Give them free reign on their choices.  If they ask you what you think, turn the question back to them. . . it is an easy way to foster the notion that you believe that they can make important choices. 

2.  Have a twilight pumpkin carving.  You can do this with your children alone, or include some of your neighbors.  Neighbors are great guests for this type of party because the children will be reminded of the cherished event, not just by catching a glimpse of their pumpkins, but those of your neighbors, as well.  It’s also a great way to bond and get to know your neighbors.  People talk about all sorts of things when they are doing creative activities.  

    The younger children can draw the design for carving.  You can also find carving patterns online and trace your designs onto the pumpkins.  Older children may be capable of actually carving – you know your child’s abilities so the carving is your call.  Don’t forget to save the seeds for toasting.  You can find an easy, delicious toasting recipe by clicking here .  

3.   Make your own trick or treat containers. . . you will keep it for prosperity long after your children have stopped using it!  All you will need for this easy project is one balloon per child, strips of shredded newspaper, Elmer’s glue, light sandpaper, string, and paint.  Blow up the balloons, create a paste/slip of water and glue, and let the children papier mache half the way up their balloon.  The paper should be dry (if they don’t make it too wet) by the following day.  Pop the balloon, smooth out any sharp edges with sandpaper, poke holes for the string (for carrying the container), and it’s time for the children to paint!  We used pipe cleaners and big pom poms to make antennae on ours. 

You may find that they will use their special trick or treat containers for years to come.  I use my daughter’s as an indoor flower pot now.  In the past, we’ve actually used it as the trick or treat serving dish.

4.  Older kids may want to devise a spooky environment for the trick or treaters.  There are great soundtracks you can buy and play in the background.  Blue lights on the porch are super cool and make fake cobwebs glow in the dark!  Let their minds create and implement the ideas together.  Save your decorations for the following year, and let them add to the set design as each year passes. 

5. Be clever with your treats.  Instead of candy, your can use a mixture of inexpensive party favors like Chinese handcuffs, rubber finger puppets, super balls, glow sticks … Let your children decide what’s cool.

6.  The main point is to have fun, laugh, work together and create lasting memories! Don’t forget to take pictures along the way.  To finish off the celebration,  make a Halloween Album that you fill each year.  You can buy an inexpensive one, cover it with fabric (using a glue gun) and let the kids decorate the cover.  Make sure to fill it with blank paper so that they can draw or write about their adventures.  You can always affix the pictures with photo corners. 

For additional Halloween online shops, click here! 

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     Who said Halloween was just for children?!?  Costumes, candles, and “things that go bump in the night” can also be fun fodder for adults!  Even if you have children, they will go to sleep – then it’s time for your special celebration! Here are 10 tips to make your couple’s Halloween sizzle:

1. Buy a sexy costume!

2. Carve a heart in a pumpkin and add a candle with your favorite scent — put it on the dresser or nightstand;

3. Leave your partner a hot Halloween card on the seat of their car in the morning . . . with a hint that other things are yet to come;

4. Buy a bottle of red wine with a private Halloween label.  Some actually say “made in Transylvania.”

5. Sprinkle some “red hots” across the cover of the bed;

6.  Buy some temporary Halloween tattoos and apply them to “key” areas;

7. Place a couple of wine glasses next to the bottle of wine on your nightstand.  If you want to be creative, tape some batwings to the stems;

8.  Replace your normal bedroom light bulb with a red one  . . . or a blue light, depending on your costume.  If your costume is white (i.e. a Doctor’s coat or a French Maid uniform — a blue light would really accentuate it!);

9.  Buy some fun Halloween music for ambiance; and

10.  Throw some red satin sheets on your bed!

     Never miss an opportunity to celebrate with your honey.  Create a fun, romantic memory that will have your partner smiling and savoring the memory of Halloween all day long on November 1st!

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“environment. (n.) The combination of external physical conditions affecting the growth and development of organisms.”  Webster’s II, 1984.

Our culture has changed remarkably over the past several decades.  The days of sunning our Crisco-drenched bodies while wearing our turquoise eye shadow have long since passed.  The big hair era, when we went through cans of aerosol spray to mold and freeze our elegant Do’s, seems as antiquated as the petticoat. In our quest to move forward and simplify our daily lives with technological advances and sophisticated food processing techniques, we seem to be losing the very foundation of our existence – our environment, our health, and our sanity.

We are now in an age where marriages are almost as disposable as paper plates.  Homemade dinners have given way to what we call “fast food,” which may actually not contain much “food” at all.  Aren’t the cell phones, palm pilots and blackberrys supposed to make our lives easier?  If so, why is such large segment of the population on anti-depressants?  Maybe, in our efforts to make the world flat, we should have been more cognizant that it is, in fact, round.   

Now, one out of ninety four children are developing autism; one out of thirteen children suffer from asthma; and my friends are being diagnosed with breast cancer and multiple sclerosis in droves.  Are we being poisoned by the high powered chemicals we use to “clean” our homes?  Maybe all of those plastic and mercury filled items we pitched into the trash haven’t really just “disappeared.”  Although there are still some who refute the notion of Global Warming, I’m banking on the fact that the Nobel Academies and Committee designated to award the Nobel Prizes are a fairly knowledgeable crew.

So, how inconvenient would it be to change our ways?  For individuals, not as difficult as you might think.  If you don’t already, start recycling and discontinue buying products which cannot be recycled in your area.  For example, Dallas County doesn’t recycle #6 plastic goods, so I don’t buy anything with #6 plastic.  In fact, I no longer buy plastic ware at all. We use real napkins and real towels instead of those made from paper.  I always request paper bags when shopping, because the plastic bags aren’t recyclable.  If I can manage without using a bag, I will.  I read my news online – I save trees, time, space and money.

All of my household cleaners are made by a climate neutral company.  The cleansers are all natural, biodegradable, climate friendly, and come in recyclable packaging.  They are also highly concentrated so I go through very few bottles in a year. For example, one 16 oz bottle of the all purpose cleaner will make 48 gallons when mixed.  I even use this cleaner as a carwash.  I mist it onto my car right before the rain, go over it with a sponge, and let Mother Nature do the rest.  I find solace in knowing that the chemicals being washed off of my car and onto my yard and into the gutters are climate friendly.

I turn off my lights when I leave a room.  When the lights are on, you will see I use the energy saving bulbs – not pretty, but neither are the manifestations of Global Warming.  The one aspect of being green that I do grapple with is washing out the tin cans before they can be recycled. . . and then I remember that I would rather be washing those tin cans than ever hear another person I love tell me that they have cancer. 

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